Thoughts on Thursday: Wait to Be Impressed

TL;DR: In a culture addicted to instant updates, choose distance on purpose. Step out of the frame so growth can surprise you. Judge less often, reflect more often, and design moments where you come back and get impressed by the work.

The Spark

A friend told me they’re taking time away from watching their daughter’s soccer … on purpose. Not out of disinterest, but as a result of a very healthy hunger.

They want to come back and see the jump. To be impressed by her growth. To get the surprise back.

That’s rare now. Most of us (me included) refresh scores mid-game, peek at the ending of your favourite shows on Wikipedia, and scan for a final synapsis in a TL;DR world. We chase certainty and steal the surprise; we chase control and rob the reveal.

Here’s what happens when we don’t: the young athlete stops playing for joy. They start playing for an audience of one. The parent who’s always watching, always narrating, always judging. 

The unintended consequence isn’t just that we smother the reveal. It’s that we crowd the stage where a young person’s confidence needs space to breathe.

What Constant Watching Costs

Control over trust. If I'm watching every rep, I feel like I'm "doing something." Parenting feels like work. Coaching feels like coaching. But the cost is that my kid stops trusting their own instincts, because they're too busy reading my face.

Information overload without wisdom. More data isn't more understanding. It's more noise. The hundredth touch teaches nothing the tenth didn't already show. But we keep watching anyway, confusing volume with insight.

Joy shrinks before our eyes. When every touch is critiqued, play turns into performance. Mistakes stop being experiments and start being failures. A young athlete learns to play small, safe, calculated, watched. The spark that got them there in the first place starts to dim.

And then we wonder why they quit.

Step Out of the Frame

Here's the hard truth: If you're always in the picture, you can't see the picture.

Distance isn’t absence; it’s oxygen. Detachment isn’t neglect; it’s design.

Observer Days (parents). Every 4th game, sit away from the sideline. Bring a notebook and track one simple thing for yourself. Maybe recovery runs, positive talk, first touch under pressure. No play-by-play in your head. No comparisons to last week. Just: Is this happening more? Come back to it next month quietly and from a distance.

Silent Segments (coaches & parents). Ten minutes (or more) where adults zip it completely. Let athletes problem-solve. Let them miss a pass and figure out why without your voice. Let them succeed without your permission. Let them let go of judgement of watching eyes.

Player-Led Quarters (coaches). Hand it over for one phase: athletes set the objective, choose one cue, run it. You watch. You’re quiet. You’re not the solution. And they learn they can be.

You’ll be surprised how much learning is already happening when we stop narrating every step.

A Cadence that Works: Learn often, Judge rarely

Growth shows up in seasons, not swipes. The mistake we make is collapsing learning and judging into the same moment. They need to be separate. Same sport, different meetings.

Learning loop (more often): daily or weekly reflection to guide forward. Curious, not critical:

• What did you try?

• What did you notice?

• What will you try next?

This is a conversation, not a performance review.

Judgment loop (less often): monthly or quarterly checkpoints to evaluate:

• What’s the delta? Where are we clearly better?

• What’s still stubborn?

• Are we moving the needle?
  

Here's what changes when you separate them: when kids stop getting graded every day, they stop bracing every day. Effort gets honest again. Mistakes become information instead of evidence of failure. They remember they're supposed to be learning, not performing.

Try this for 30 days (parents first)

1) Pick your three. Choose three “leading indicators” to notice this month (e.g., recover runs, bravery to receive under pressure, joyful energy after mistakes, communication, creative risk). That’s it. Ignore the rest … On Purpose.

2) Car-Ride Rule: One Cheer, One Question.

• Cheer: “I loved your effort to win the ball back.” (Specific. Observable. Unconditional.)

• Question: “What did you try today that felt brave?” (Open. Curious. No right answer.)

3) The Long Blink. Record a 30-second clip once every 30 days. Don’t watch in between. On day 30, line up the before/after and let the progress punch you in the chest. This is where surprise lives.

4) No-Compare Window. For 30 days, no talk of teammates, rankings, or rumors. Measure your kid against their last month only.

5) Observer Day. Every 4th game or practice, sit somewhere new. Stay quiet. Track one behaviour with tally marks. Ask your athlete if you can share one observation with them. Full stop.

How this Makes Me a Better Dad to Selma

I’m tempted to coach from the passenger seat and to pre-solve every challenge. The hardest part isn’t knowing what to do, it’s resisting the dopamine hit of being needed in the moment.

Reveal, don’t preview. At her activities, I’m letting the skill unfold without predicting how it will go or jumping in with advice before she’s even tried. Silence kills the urge to fix.

One Cheer, One Question. She gets my pride (certainty) and her agency (reflection). Both.

The Long Blink. One small clip a month. We’ll watch together and celebrate the journey, the direction and speed of change, not just the snapshot. Because growth is direction, not a snapshot.

Protect the mystery. I don’t need to attend every practice or get a full report. Some days the best coaching is making space for delight and for her to discover what she’s capable of before she tells me.

Coach & Colleagues

Publish arcs, not drills. “Six-week pressing arc—win it back in six seconds.” Evaluate only on weeks 3 & 6. Let the middle do its work.

Pick three metrics. Effort on recovery, decision speed, ball recoveries. Everything else is footage, not feedback.

Delay your reply. Players self-scout the same day; coaches reply at +48h. Space turns heat into insight.

Swap language. From “You should…” → “I noticed… I wonder… Next rep, try…”

Be Curious. Be Patient … On Purpose. Distance is Oxygen for Confidence.

The Question

Where can you step out of the frame this month and wait to be impressed?