Coach Yourself Like Someone You Love

A few days ago, I caught myself talking to my daughter, Selma, in a way I'd never talk to myself. She was struggling in the process of something, probably building blocks, a fort or trying to re-position her bedroom furniture in some impossible way. She was starting to feel frustrated and I told her, "you're figuring it out. Keep going. You've done hard things before."

It struck me how different that sounded from the voice in my own head when I am feeling frustrated. Because if it had been me struggling with something like writing, coaching, business I'd probably be thinking: "Why is this so hard? Shouldn't I have figured this out by now?"

The way we talk to ourselves shapes everything from our motivation, our discipline, to our identity. Jim Loehr calls it the inner voice, and he makes one thing clear: If a transcript of your self-talk were read out loud, would you be proud of those words? What if they were flashed across the screen of the jumbotron in the arena you played in? Would they sound like the words of a great coach or leader?

Most people's wouldn't.

So how do we build an inner coach that helps us instead of drags us down?

1. Talk to Yourself Like You'd Talk to Someone You Love

Think about the way you encourage a struggling athlete. Or how you'd motivate a friend. Or how I talk to Selma when she's frustrated.

You wouldn't tell them, "You always mess this up." You wouldn't say, "This is pointless, you're not good enough." You wouldn't belittle the effort, "Why even try?"

Yet, we say these things to ourselves all the time. The first step to better self-talk? Run it through the 'Would I say this to my kid?' test.

Real-world example: Serena Williams has openly talked about the power of her self-talk in matches. Instead of panicking when things go wrong, she repeats "You belong here." It's simple. It's powerful. And it keeps her locked in.

Try This: Next time you catch yourself with negative self-talk, imagine saying it to your younger self. Would it help? If not, change the words.

2. Discipline vs. Motivation: The Two Voices We Need

Jocko Willink, in his classic Discipline Equals Freedom, says that motivation is weak because it's unreliable. Instead, he preaches discipline.

I'd argue we need both voices:

1. A compassionate motivator when things feel heavy: "You've done hard things before. You can do this."

2. A calm, disciplined guide when we need structure: "This isn't about feelings. It's about doing what needs to be done."

The problem is, most people's self-talk is an out-of-control critic, a mix of negativity, doubt and a healthy serving of perfectionism that gets in the way.

Real-world example: Kobe Bryant had a rule: No negotiating with himself. His self-talk wasn't about hype; it was about commitment. If 5 AM training was scheduled, he didn't wake up and ask, "Do I feel like it?" He just did it.

Try This: Next time you don't feel like doing something, swap out the internal debate with a non-negotiable: "It's just what we do."

3. Create a 'Go-To' Reset Phrase

High performers don’t dwell on mistakes or frustrations. Instead, they use a reset phrase, a short, powerful cue that shifts their focus forward and drowns out doubt.

Michael Jordan: "Next play."

Tim Grover (trainer of MJ & Kobe): "Figure it out."

Will Smith: "Self-discipline is self-love."

These phrases aren’t magic; they’re tools. They create instant mental clarity, break negative thought loops, and bring focus back to what’s next instead of what just happened.

Real-world example: LeBron James has a rule: when a play doesn’t go his way, whether it’s a missed shot, a turnover, or a defensive mistake, he allows himself a brief moment to acknowledge it, then moves forward immediately. No lingering frustration, no wasted energy. Just a mental reset so he can execute the next play at the highest level.

Try This: Choose a reset phrase for yourself, something short and impactful. Use it the moment you catch negative self-talk creeping in and train yourself to shift gears instead of getting stuck.

4. Know When to Be Tough, Know When to Be Humble

Good self-talk isn't all positive affirmations. Sometimes you need to be honest with yourself. But there's a way to do it without breaking yourself down.

Instead of: "You suck at this." or “I’m so dumb/stupid” Try: "You need to get better at this." Then brainstorm ways to improve “What are 3 tips I would give my friends, family or child to improve at this?”

Real-world example: David Goggins, the king of mental toughness, records himself talking through his struggles and listens back later. Why? To hold himself accountable without self-destruction.

Try This: Next time you're struggling, imagine you're your own coach. How would you push yourself while still believing in yourself?

5. Your Identity Is Built Through Repetition

Jim Loehr's research is clear: Your inner voice creates your identity.

If you tell yourself, "I'm not a morning person," long enough, guess what? You'll never be one.

If you tell yourself, "I'm the kind of person who does hard things," that becomes your truth.

Real-world example: Tom Bilyeu (Impact Theory) says the most powerful thing you can do is convince yourself you are a lifelong learner, because then failure doesn't matter. You're always getting better.

Try This: Identify one piece of self-talk that's holding you back. Flip it. Repeat it daily.

Final Thought: Are You Proud of Your Inner Voice?

Imagine someone could hear everything you tell yourself. Would they be inspired? Would they believe in you?

If not, change the script.

Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love. Build a disciplined voice that guides, not criticizes. Use a reset phrase when you need to refocus. Be tough, but fair, and push yourself without tearing yourself down. Repeat the identity you want until it becomes real.

Because the truth is, you're always coaching yourself, the only question is, are you being a great coach?

What's one self-talk shift you're making this week? Reply or leave a comment and let me know.